The library, once a place that was almost taboo for me, has become a sort of haven, a refuge from my past as well as an avenue for my future. You see, I am doing something that I was once told that, because I'm Tehir, was a waste of time; I am learning to read, properly. If is wasn't for Phever and Bekke I wouldn't be learning to read at all. Both of these ladies have encouraged me and offered their assistance, but this is something I need to do on my own... it's personal I guess.
I can't begin to tell you how embarrassing it is to stand before the message tree struggling to decypher what has always appeared as chicken-scratch to me, and have people see you do it. I feel my cheeks darken even thinking about it. My illiteracy has always been a problem; people tend to equate intelligence with learnedness, and though my friends consistently tell me they know I am a smart man I do not feel that way. I am ashamed of myself and I feel my shortcomings bring pity from those who associate with me, whether they admit it or not.
I'm learning more about numbers as well, it's not exactly fun to have to call anything more than four, "many", or "a bunch", or to have to ask someone how many that means, and to please explain it in very basic terms, and then hear the snickers.
I never had a "formal" education, no classrooms, no books, no quills and inkpots; my education was much more practical, and quite often, painful. I was taught how to kill efficiently and how to survive, and even thrive, in one of the most inhospitable places in the lands... The Sea of Fire. I'm good at both, but people who wish to have their opinions respected need to be more; they need to be seen as well rounded; and so my quest for self-improvement has begun. Though I knew going into this that it would be difficult, I had no idea just how hard it would end up being.
My first venture into the house of books was, well, to put it mildly, a dismal failure. The librarian took one look at me and I could see the corners of his mouth turn down in distaste and scorn; I could almost read his mind, "What is this...thing...doing in my library?" Maybe he thought I was lost, or drunk, I don't know, but I was obviously out of my element. I looked at my surroundings, feeling both lost and intimidated, and I almost turned around and walked right back out.
The librarian, still seeming uneasy at my presence, approached me and asked if there was anything he could do to help me, perhaps show me the way out, since I seemed to be lost. I took no offense at this, it happens to me from time to time, I am Tehir and there are still some who see us as little more than animals. I smiled back and asked him to please explain the process for borrowing books. I could have shot him in the eye and not gotten the same response; he seemed very offended that I would even consider touching one of his books, let alone ask to borrow one.
I assured him that I had no intent of using the book as squatting paper or tinder. I explained, as best as I could, that my intent was to learn to read, for my reading was so bad that it may as well be non-existent. He seemed to deem this as being funny, since he certainly laughed, and laughed loudly, at which point he covered his mouth in embarrassment; we were, after all, in a library.
He asked me why I wished to learn to read, being that I was already on in my years, and that I seemed to be doing all right without it, so why bother? He said people of my ethnicity seemed to be able to handle illiteracy better than most, so why should I wish to change? I was beginning to lose patience with this man of books and it was becoming very difficult to maintain the illusion of a pleasant demeanor.
I pull the knife from my boots and casually cleaned my fingernails as I glanced at him, the green in my eyes became a little more pronounced and my features were just a wee bit more feral, and I told him, "Bookmasta, I'se gonna learns how ta read, come hell er high wat'r, an' we can does dis easy er we can does it hard. Ya can tells me how ta go 'bouts gittin' books outta here ta reads, er I can guts ya right here on da spot an' reads yer entrails, dem's sumt'in I knows how ta reads a'ready. Choice be yers."
There are times when having a bit of a reputation as a quick to anger, blood-thirsty animal can come in handy. I thought he would faint, right there in that library, I've never seen someone go so pale so quickly; but, as the sweat beaded on his upper lip, he explained the process to me, probably more to get me to leave than anything else. I'm sure he believed he would never see that book again.
My first book... The Official History of Elanthia. Definitely not what I should have chosen, but I was in as much of a hurry to leave that library as the librarian was to get me out of there; the poor fellow, probably had to go clean out his pants after I left. Come to think of it, there was a bit of an odd smell emanating from him.
It was fifteen days and three different checkouts of the Official History of Elanthia later, but I finally completed it. My head was swimming and I still see that damned book in my sleep, but I finished it. I felt... I don't know... somehow more... satisfied? I'm not sure that's the right word for it, but it works for now.
The librarian and I have come to an understanding. He says nothing to me, I pay my dues, get my book and I leave; no sitting in the library reading. That works for me anyway, I prefer having a coffee and maybe a pipe full of tobacco while I read, or rather, while I stumble through the endless, mind-numbing pages of text, but it's getting easier.
I no longer have the splitting headaches after four hours of fighting my way through two pages; as a matter of fact, I finished a book in one sitting today. It wasn't a huge book, but it felt good to open it and not close it until it was finished, and without losing a day or two of sleep doing it either.
I suppose that, in a way, reading is like archery; though it might not be for everyone, with enough practice and dedication anyone can do it. It's the practice and dedication part that's a real pain in the backside. I'm not going to stop though; I will become literate, even if it kills me... I just hope the librarian makes it through this.
No comments:
Post a Comment